Scorn

How you have scorned me

And I you 

We loved and hated as the fire grew 

So hot

And others jumped inside and out

And you and I could never put it out,

Anyway

At all. 

But now perhaps you'll douse me with water

Treat me unkindly and coldly enough

Make your words harsh enough

Turn me away enough

And I won't come back. 

If that's what you want

You can accomplish your desire

And put out this fire

That still glows

 in me. 

Alone Again

And you find yourself alone again...every now and then another friend leaves you,
And you realize your own emptiness, the fullness that they brought you. And yet it couldn't last, it never lasts. We walk together for a while, down a crooked path, and then, we find ourselves alone again. Why our paths diverged I'll never know. I'll always question the way I chose to go. I'll always wonder if your road had been the better one. If I'd taken it, at least, perhaps, we wouldn't be alone.

December 15 2014

A Dream

I dreamed about you, dear one,
And you and I were falling,
Not downward,
And not in Love -
But something softer,
Sweeter than this;
I was
Floating
And you were
Rising
Upward like a star
And I reached out
And touched your trail of light
And you pulled me up,
And I was tightly in your arms,
They were warm and bright.
Then we fell into the sky,
The deep blue night
Dipped inward
Like an ocean,
And we stayed there
While the moon was passing by,
And smiled on us,
You, the rising star, and I.

The Great Unknown

There is a great  unknown before me,
A great black future
Black because it cannot be seen,
Great because it is perfectly vast
And endless its possibilities

If I take this step,
Into the darkness
Will the light race to meet me?
Will rays run across the reaching span before me?
I am reaching, but there is nothing to hold onto
I grasp for my past,
But can't get back to it.

The light is only here, in this moment.
The fleeting seconds
Quickly dim behind us
The future, not yet known
Stretches blank, and black before us
The present
Is the only moment we are shown.

This is faith:
To take that step.
To make that leap,
Into a black abyss
And whether I fall,
Or whether I stand,
Or hit a wall,
Is up to this:
That I take

One

step.

The light is in my mind
And not behind me,
Not before me
It shines inside me
Showing me the universe's possibilities.
Imagination is the key:

A dream precedes reality.

Here and Then

"You will get there",
She said.

You will get there.
But when?

When, oh when, oh when?

I want there to be here,
I want now to be then. 

Love lost

Ah!
My heart
Is pained
This thing I've lost
cannot seem to be regained
I suffer 'neath the twisted,
wrenching weight
Of this sorry love's name
And tortured fate.

Ah!
I cry,
I cannot find
Desert enough
To dry my eyes
I wait
In vain
The throbbing to subside.

God!
I ache
The very depths of my mind quake,
And every limb and sinew in me
Shakes.

Oh, Love!
Just kill me now
And we'll both bow
In death, surrender
To this lake
Of fire and brimstone
Beneath this flaking edifice
Of bone.

Ah!
My heart is breaking
It's my life which you are taking
It's my love which you are raking
'Cross the coals.

Ah, Pain!
Is this your answer,
Are you bringing me this cancer
To infect the rotting throne
Of my remains?

Ah, Love,
You took me deftly
And tonight you finally left me
And tomorrow,
Who knows
But only a grim shadow will remain. 

Oh, How You Amuse Me

Oh, how you amuse me
Delight me, and confuse me
I'm afraid this flame may bruise me
But I cannot put it out...

As how one stands, transfixed
To watch the dance of flickering fire
Which draws the poor moths in
With every glimmer, every turn -

I feel a warmth which pulls,
As oiled wick, me toward the pyre,
I hold my gaze, I reach to touch -
Full-knowing, this will burn.



October 2012

Moments and Words

If I could express this singular moment
What would it be?
How would I say it?
Are there ever words enough?
Is there ever an expression, 
Which with conciseness can express
Precisely what I feel?
I struggle and I yearn
For something better, something more
I turn the words 
Hoping that something will emerge
That vaguely matches what I feel. 

Right now I can't quite find it
For I'm empty and yet full
Reaching but content
Still but restless,
And I still can't find the word...
There is so much I'd like to say
For that moment - flown away
Evades description
And by the time some soul 
Might happen upon this poem
Countless others will have gone
In similar fashion 
As inexpressible particles of existence. 

April 22, 2009

Thoughts After Recording

I would like to play
With total freedom
With no fear,
I'd like to play
the way I hear 
inside my mind,
I'd like to find
that there's no limit
to my ear,
I'd love to trust
My judgment, always
Knowing that
I won't go wrong
Because 
I understand so fully,
Oh, how long
before I find this
Liberation?
Oh, what must I do 
To end this great frustration?
I will search all of my days
Just to attain
The revelation
That will take me
From this point of desperation
To my greatest hopes and dreams
--Of Transformation.


March 15, 2007


The Piano 1999 © Martin Murphy computer rendering - Bryce 3D

Facades

I don't want to be the big girl anymore
I don't want to hold it together,
I don't want to take the wheel
I don't want to bring up anything
Or direct the conversation
Or to tell you how I feel.

But if I were to cry
And be ridiculous
Who could bear it?
Who would care?
It's too much for you,
It's too much for me
It's too much to put it
Anywhere.

So I keep it in
I'm a big girl, after all. 
I can hold my chin up
I can remain calm
Until I find myself alone
And can let my thoughts be known
To a person not really there...
An empty bed,
An empty chair --
They do not care
It's safe for them to see...
It will not hurt them,
To see me cry
It will not hurt them
To know that I
Am not that strong
Am not that brave
I just hold on,
I'm just holding on, You see?
I just reach out
And barely make it
Sometimes, I barely make it
But I say I'm fine
And I am fine
But it still is hard
To take it,
And sometimes I wish
I didn't need to fake it.


March 21, 2010

I am simple

Sometimes I like to write
In the middle of the night
And not worry whether
The rhythm is wrong or right.

Not everything I do
Can spring from fountains of genius,
From years of struggle and practice,
Not everything I say is beautiful or refined,
Or even kind.

I am a simple mind, a simple soul
Who yearns for goodness,
Who searches for greatness
But falls short, Time
after time,
 after time.


Nov. 4, 2011

If

If you find me
beautiful
Tell me so
If you find me
Precious
Don't let me go
If you take me,
I won't leave you
If you hold me
I won't deceive you.

I do not deceive you.




May 2011

Change is Coming

This ice is melting

The weather is changing,

You see?

No, you can't;

Because it hasn't yet reached 32 degrees

So everything is still frozen

But it's getting so much closer, do you realize?

A week ago it was minus ten, but now it's in the twenties...

I know the snow is still here but,

It's so much closer to melting...

You don't see it yet,

But just a few degrees more and

It will be melting

A few days more and

It will be changing

The water will go running,

And then -

I will be free...

Just a few more degrees

And ice becomes water,

With nothing in between

That's why it is so hard to see.

That change is indeed coming,

For the temperature is rising,

But everything will seem to happen

All of the sudden

When really, it's been coming,

For all these days, and months,

and years

Warmth enough to melt the icebergs

Enough to crack these ancient blocks of tears.

I have been waiting a long time,

But the temperature is rising,

And soon summer will be mine.

Waiting

Waiting for a day
When all things open up to me
Waiting for the way
To see everything clearly...

This is what I long to see:
The light that shines so purely,
And a new and beautiful me.

Oh,
To be free,
To be free,
To be free!

Speak a little softer, please
Your words tread on my heart.

Step a bit more carefully,
Your path my life doth part.

Ode to Frustration (or keys locked in the car...)

Tick....tock

Tick....tock

I watch the clock

I'm stuck

It seems I'm

Often stuck.

Stuck at school

or home

in time

or in my mind,

Or out of it.

You know,

Anyone can lose it

If they lose the will to find it,

Again, and again,

And again.

Patience child,

your time will come.

Just watch the clock,

It's almost there.

Tick...tock

Tick...tock  

Tick... 

The beauty that I see in thee

The beauty that I see in thee
Doth make my soul rejoice
And the freedom thou mak'st me to feel
Giveth my heart a voice.

The Spider

The day before yesterday I watched a barn spider in my window catch a fly, wrap him up, and crawl away into the window eave somewhere to hide him.  It was rather gruesome and creepy, but it reminded me of a poem that I wrote when I was twelve years old, to send to a school newspaper, hoping that it would be published.  It wasn't chosen to be published, and I lost the poem since then.  However, I still remember the first stanza that I wrote, and the last two lines, but not the middle section.   But watching this big barn spider catch the fly the other day inspired me to fill in the missing sections of my poem again.  I'm still not completely satisfied with it... but it's basically all there:


The Spider


Observe the careful pains she takes
And whist, how patiently she waits

For an unsuspecting passer-by

Into her tangled web to fly

And agitate the flimsy threads

O'er which the careful spider treads.

Now see him fly without a care,

And dive, blissfully unaware

Of death, cold-reaching through the air,

On cords invisible and fair -

The trap she's laid with utmost care,

To catch poor souls who happen there. 

With one fell swoop, the fellow's caught -

His joyous flight in mid-air stopped,

A care-free life turned anguish-fraught

But moments more, and t'will be naught. 

He beats his wings with frenzied hum,

And struggling, beckons her to come.

She runs - and grabs him, stabs him through, 

Then wraps him 'round with thread and glue,

And carries him away to hide

Somewhere in shadows to the side--

Then, when she gets the urge to munch,

She'll be obliged to make him lunch. 

Moving Forward

When the air has written us a tune

That we can breathe in,

That we can deeply dive into

It will be fine for us to run and not look back.

When the sun has come around to

Shine a day that grey can seethe in

That we can sweetly lie into

It will be fine for us to jump and not hold back.

When the race is finally run and

Finish lines have broken time that

I can sing to

That I can freely beat my wings to 

It will be time for me win and not make up for

Anything I lack.

I can't go back

To other roads that I have passed through,

To the easy paths that always lead straight into

Variations of the devil's favorite trap...

I can't look back

To all the things that

I had run to

To the future that I thought this life

would come to

To the dreams I thought were

everything I had...

No, I can't turn back -

And the fear of any wood that I can't see through

Will never lead me anywhere,

But back.

October 16, 2011

Silver threads

                                                                                               Photo Corey Amaro
Goodnight,
Sweet blue eyes
Deep blue skies
Tonight I have you
Safely sewn
with
Silver thread
And woven
Through my life.
You are so kind
With such a mind -
With silver thoughts like
Prism droplets
Misting through this air that is
So thick
like wine,
and
Pervading every inlet of my life,
Somehow enlightening,
And frightening at the same time.
But then you
Take this hand,
and I am fine.

Dance!

I know you like a little storybook romance
I know you like to find the perfect place,
The perfect line.
I know you like your words to be well-timed,
Just like your jokes,
All laced with rhymes.

Silver thread
Is running
Through this air
So fine and fair and blowing
In this breeze
- but spun from where?
From every breath we breathe and
From the tossing of the sea
The connective tissue of our very cares....
A silver thread is running
From your eyes to mine
A silver thread is drifting
And I grab the line and pull this in --
A silver fish,
A silver wish,
A golden time -
A silver word of yours
Caught in the air,
Still ringing like a chime
I catch it on a silver line
And hold it
'Til vibration disappears.