Here and Then

"You will get there",
She said.

You will get there.
But when?

When, oh when, oh when?

I want there to be here,
I want now to be then. 

Love lost

Ah!
My heart
Is pained
This thing I've lost
cannot seem to be regained
I suffer 'neath the twisted,
wrenching weight
Of this sorry love's name
And tortured fate.

Ah!
I cry,
I cannot find
Desert enough
To dry my eyes
I wait
In vain
The throbbing to subside.

God!
I ache
The very depths of my mind quake,
And every limb and sinew in me
Shakes.

Oh, Love!
Just kill me now
And we'll both bow
In death, surrender
To this lake
Of fire and brimstone
Beneath this flaking edifice
Of bone.

Ah!
My heart is breaking
It's my life which you are taking
It's my love which you are raking
'Cross the coals.

Ah, Pain!
Is this your answer,
Are you bringing me this cancer
To infect the rotting throne
Of my remains?

Ah, Love,
You took me deftly
And tonight you finally left me
And tomorrow,
Who knows
But only a grim shadow will remain. 

Oh, How You Amuse Me

Oh, how you amuse me
Delight me, and confuse me
I'm afraid this flame may bruise me
But I cannot put it out...

As how one stands, transfixed
To watch the dance of flickering fire
Which draws the poor moths in
With every glimmer, every turn -

I feel a warmth which pulls,
As oiled wick, me toward the pyre,
I hold my gaze, I reach to touch -
Full-knowing, this will burn.



October 2012

Moments and Words

If I could express this singular moment
What would it be?
How would I say it?
Are there ever words enough?
Is there ever an expression, 
Which with conciseness can express
Precisely what I feel?
I struggle and I yearn
For something better, something more
I turn the words 
Hoping that something will emerge
That vaguely matches what I feel. 

Right now I can't quite find it
For I'm empty and yet full
Reaching but content
Still but restless,
And I still can't find the word...
There is so much I'd like to say
For that moment - flown away
Evades description
And by the time some soul 
Might happen upon this poem
Countless others will have gone
In similar fashion 
As inexpressible particles of existence. 

April 22, 2009

Thoughts After Recording

I would like to play
With total freedom
With no fear,
I'd like to play
the way I hear 
inside my mind,
I'd like to find
that there's no limit
to my ear,
I'd love to trust
My judgment, always
Knowing that
I won't go wrong
Because 
I understand so fully,
Oh, how long
before I find this
Liberation?
Oh, what must I do 
To end this great frustration?
I will search all of my days
Just to attain
The revelation
That will take me
From this point of desperation
To my greatest hopes and dreams
--Of Transformation.


March 15, 2007


The Piano 1999 © Martin Murphy computer rendering - Bryce 3D

Facades

I don't want to be the big girl anymore
I don't want to hold it together,
I don't want to take the wheel
I don't want to bring up anything
Or direct the conversation
Or to tell you how I feel.

But if I were to cry
And be ridiculous
Who could bear it?
Who would care?
It's too much for you,
It's too much for me
It's too much to put it
Anywhere.

So I keep it in
I'm a big girl, after all. 
I can hold my chin up
I can remain calm
Until I find myself alone
And can let my thoughts be known
To a person not really there...
An empty bed,
An empty chair --
They do not care
It's safe for them to see...
It will not hurt them,
To see me cry
It will not hurt them
To know that I
Am not that strong
Am not that brave
I just hold on,
I'm just holding on, You see?
I just reach out
And barely make it
Sometimes, I barely make it
But I say I'm fine
And I am fine
But it still is hard
To take it,
And sometimes I wish
I didn't need to fake it.


March 21, 2010

I am simple

Sometimes I like to write
In the middle of the night
And not worry whether
The rhythm is wrong or right.

Not everything I do
Can spring from fountains of genius,
From years of struggle and practice,
Not everything I say is beautiful or refined,
Or even kind.

I am a simple mind, a simple soul
Who yearns for goodness,
Who searches for greatness
But falls short, Time
after time,
 after time.


Nov. 4, 2011

If

If you find me
beautiful
Tell me so
If you find me
Precious
Don't let me go
If you take me,
I won't leave you
If you hold me
I won't deceive you.

I do not deceive you.




May 2011

Change is Coming

This ice is melting

The weather is changing,

You see?

No, you can't;

Because it hasn't yet reached 32 degrees

So everything is still frozen

But it's getting so much closer, do you realize?

A week ago it was minus ten, but now it's in the twenties...

I know the snow is still here but,

It's so much closer to melting...

You don't see it yet,

But just a few degrees more and

It will be melting

A few days more and

It will be changing

The water will go running,

And then -

I will be free...

Just a few more degrees

And ice becomes water,

With nothing in between

That's why it is so hard to see.

That change is indeed coming,

For the temperature is rising,

But everything will seem to happen

All of the sudden

When really, it's been coming,

For all these days, and months,

and years

Warmth enough to melt the icebergs

Enough to crack these ancient blocks of tears.

I have been waiting a long time,

But the temperature is rising,

And soon summer will be mine.