Facades

I don't want to be the big girl anymore
I don't want to hold it together,
I don't want to take the wheel
I don't want to bring up anything
Or direct the conversation
Or to tell you how I feel.

But if I were to cry
And be ridiculous
Who could bear it?
Who would care?
It's too much for you,
It's too much for me
It's too much to put it
Anywhere.

So I keep it in
I'm a big girl, after all. 
I can hold my chin up
I can remain calm
Until I find myself alone
And can let my thoughts be known
To a person not really there...
An empty bed,
An empty chair --
They do not care
It's safe for them to see...
It will not hurt them,
To see me cry
It will not hurt them
To know that I
Am not that strong
Am not that brave
I just hold on,
I'm just holding on, You see?
I just reach out
And barely make it
Sometimes, I barely make it
But I say I'm fine
And I am fine
But it still is hard
To take it,
And sometimes I wish
I didn't need to fake it.


March 21, 2010